Triple-Terror to True Self: Unlearning a 15+ Year Habit
Yesterday was an off-day and I just couldn't shake it.
I've been on a mission to find and connect with my true self. It's been a bumpy ride but progress is being made - even when I don't immediately see it.
I suppose I lost my true identity somewhere in the midst of a 15+ year relationship with a man who turned out to be a narcissist, a sociopath, and had a severe alcohol addiction. Instead of double-bubble, I got triple-terror.
Early on, Professional's told me I should leave him but, at that time, my thought process was "I can fix him.".
That relationship ended many moons ago. But I still struggle with who I am.
Yesterday I got upset because the tow company never showed up to take my Aunt's car that we donated to a charity. They were supposed to be there between noon and 4pm. The last call I made said they would be there around 7pm and I said "no".
I already spent 5 hours in my Aunt's house. I have Multiple Chemical Sensitivities and her house can be toxic to me. I went outside several times for air - in the rain.
She has mild dementia and I had to repeat myself a gazillion times. I also had to keep turning the volume down on the TV - only to have her turn it back up to 96.
It was just one of those days where everything felt like it was being dumped on me. I felt like I had to keep my cool but, in doing so, something was eating away at my insides.
I suppose wrestling with being upset is why I felt off or bad. Now that I've slept on it and have calmed down... I realize that not showing my true emotions and my true self is something I learned during my relationship with a "triple-terror" threat.
Maybe we aren't meant to be happy-go-lucky all the time.
Maybe it's ok to get upset.
Maybe unleashing the upset me is what I needed.
Thanks for listening,
Connie 🥀
PS: The towing company was rescheduled to pick up my Aunt's car next Tuesday.
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